The Lie That Kills In Our Churches
She prays Sunday morning with a black eye hidden under makeup. He testifies of God's love while his ribs broken by his wife make him suffer. They raise their hands in worship while their spouse terrorizes them at home. And nobody says anything. Nobody sees. Nobody intervenes.
Domestic violence exists in Christian couples. Not in the "bad" churches. Not among the "false" Christians. In our assemblies. In our prayer groups. In our worship teams. Baptized men and women who invoke Jesus' name while physically, emotionally and psychologically destroying their spouse.
And the church perpetuates a deadly lie: "Submit more. Pray harder. God can change your husband. A good Christian wife stays and endures." This lie has sent women to the hospital. This lie has broken children who saw Dad hit Mom. This lie has even cost lives.
Today, we break this silence with biblical truth. Not a truth twisted to justify abuse, but the true Word of God that protects victims and condemns abusers.
What The Bible Really Says About Violence
God hates violence. Psalm 11:5 declares unambiguously: "The LORD tests the righteous, but the wicked and the one who loves violence His soul hates." God doesn't tolerate. He doesn't minimize. He HATES the one who practices violence. No matter if he sings in the choir or she leads Sunday school.
Proverbs 3:31 commands: "Do not envy the oppressor, and choose none of his ways." Violence is never an acceptable way. Never. Even in marriage. Especially in marriage, because the marital covenant is supposed to reflect Christ's protective love for His church.
Ephesians 5:28-29 tells husbands: "So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church." Nourish. Cherish. Protect. Not hit. Not humiliate. Not terrorize.
A husband who raises his hand against his wife doesn't reflect Christ. He reflects Satan, the destroyer. A woman who emotionally or physically abuses her husband doesn't manifest God's love. She manifests the works of darkness.
Hidden Forms Of Violence In Christian Couples
Violence isn't limited to blows. In Christian couples, it often takes "spiritualized" forms that the church doesn't recognize or refuses to name.
Psychological violence: "You're too sensitive. God tells me you're wrong. You're worthless. Nobody else would want you." Words that destroy the soul day after day, disguised as "spiritual correction."
Spiritual violence: "If you were really Christian, you'd submit without question. God requires you to obey me. Your pastor says women must be silent. You have no right to contradict me, I'm the spiritual head of this house." Scripture twisted to justify domination and control.
Economic violence: "You don't need to know how much we have. I manage the money. You can't buy anything without my permission. If you leave me, you'll have nothing." Financial control that makes the victim dependent and trapped.
Sexual violence: "The Bible says your body belongs to me. You can't refuse me. It's your marital duty." Sexual coercion hidden behind a misinterpretation of 1 Corinthians 7:4.
All these forms of violence are condemned by God. None of them reflect the sacrificial love Christ commands in marriage.
Submission Is Never Submission To Abuse
The church has used Ephesians 5:22 to trap victims for decades: "Wives, submit to your own husbands." But read the full context. Verse 21 first says: "Submitting to one another in the fear of God." Submission is mutual.
And the command to husbands that follows is even more radical: "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her." Christ sacrificed Himself for the church. He protected her. He honored her. He never raised His hand against her. A husband who abuses his wife directly violates this command.
Biblical submission is never submission to sin. Acts 5:29 establishes the principle: "We ought to obey God rather than men." When your spouse asks you to tolerate abuse, they're asking you to disobey God who commands to protect your body, the temple of the Holy Spirit.
Romans 13:1-4 gives authority to governments to punish evil. Domestic violence is a crime. Calling the police isn't a lack of faith. It's obeying the order established by God to protect the innocent and punish the guilty.
You Have The Right And Duty To Flee
If you're a victim of domestic violence, listen carefully: God doesn't ask you to stay. He doesn't order you to endure. He doesn't condemn you if you leave. On the contrary, He calls you to protect the life He gave you.
Proverbs 22:3 says: "A prudent man foresees evil and hides himself, but the simple pass on and are punished." Biblical wisdom commands fleeing danger. Staying in a violent situation isn't faith. It's negligence toward the gift of life God entrusted to you.
Matthew 10:23 teaches: "When they persecute you in this city, flee to another." Jesus Himself orders flight from persecution. Your home should never be a place of persecution, but if it is, God approves your leaving.
If you have children, you have an even greater responsibility. Proverbs 31:8-9 commands: "Open your mouth for the speechless, in the cause of all who are appointed to die. Open your mouth, judge righteously, and plead the cause of the poor and needy." Your children are the speechless who cannot defend themselves. Protecting them by leaving a violent home is an act of obedience to God.
How To Leave Safely
Leaving a violent situation requires planning and wisdom. Here are biblically grounded steps to protect your life:
First: Recognize your life is in danger. Stop minimizing. "He won't do it again" is a lie you tell yourself. Statistics and experience prove violence escalates. Believe the facts, not the abuser's promises.
Second: Talk to someone trustworthy outside the home. A pastor who truly understands domestic violence. A faithful friend. A family member. Break the silence. Isolation is the abuser's favorite weapon. James 5:16 encourages: "Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed."
Third: Contact an organization specialized in domestic violence. In USA: National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233 (free, anonymous, 24/7). In UK: 0808 2000 247. These organizations have expertise to help you leave safely.
Fourth: Prepare an emergency bag with important documents (ID, bank cards, keys), clothes for you and children, essential medications. Hide it at a friend's or in your car.
Fifth: Leave when the abuser is absent. Don't warn in advance. The separation period is statistically the most dangerous. Protect yourself by leaving discreetly.
Sixth: File a police report. Yes, even if it's your Christian spouse. Police must intervene. An official report legally protects you and your children. It's biblically justified according to Romans 13:4.
How The Church Must Respond
The church has tragically failed victims of domestic violence for too long. It's time to radically change our approach.
What the church should NEVER do:
Minimize abuse: "It's not that bad. All couples argue."
Blame the victim: "What did you do to provoke him?"
Force reconciliation: "God hates divorce. Go back and submit."
Protect the church's image rather than the victim.
Counsel the couple together (this puts the victim in danger).
What the church MUST do:
Believe the victim immediately. False accusations are extremely rare.
Ensure physical safety before any spiritual consideration.
Call the police if necessary, even without the terrorized victim's agreement.
Provide temporary housing or money for a shelter.
Biblically confront the abuser and demand authentic repentance.
Accompany the victim in legal proceedings.
Offer long-term financial, emotional and spiritual support.
Ezekiel 34:4 condemns shepherds who haven't "strengthened the weak, healed the sick, bound up the injured." The church that abandons victims of domestic violence will be judged by God for its negligence.
Is Restoration Possible?
The question everyone asks: can a Christian couple restore after violence? The biblical answer is complex.
Yes, God can transform even the most violent heart. But this transformation requires radical and verifiable changes, not empty promises. The abuser must:
Fully acknowledge their violence without excuse or justification
Accept legal consequences (arrest, criminal record)
Follow a specialized abuser program (minimum 1-2 years)
Demonstrate lasting changes (years, not months)
Accept prolonged separation during transformation
Never demand the victim return
The victim has the biblical right to divorce according to Matthew 19:9 (abuse is a form of adultery against the covenant). She has NO obligation to give a second chance. If she chooses to consider reconciliation, it must be after years of proven change, with the agreement of a specialized therapist and pastor.
Never force a victim to forgive prematurely or return. Biblical forgiveness doesn't require reconciliation when danger persists.
This Week's Challenge
If you're a victim of domestic violence, here's your challenge this week: tell the truth to one trusted person. Just one. Break the silence that's killing you. God doesn't condemn you. He's freeing you.
If you're a pastor or church leader, here's your challenge: train yourself on domestic violence. Create clear protocols to protect victims. Preach publicly that abuse is never acceptable in Christian marriage.
If you're a friend of a couple, here's your challenge: open your eyes. Those "accidental" bruises. That fear in the gaze. That excessive control. It might not be "just" arguments. Ask the difficult questions. Offer an exit door.
Domestic violence in Christian couples exists. But the church's complicit silence must cease. Today. Now. A life may depend on it.