The Silent Killer Of Your Marriage
You think couples divorce because of infidelity. Violence. Money problems. Toxic in-laws. Addictions.
No.
Most marriages don't die in the dramatic explosion of betrayal. They die slowly, silently, in the icy void of LACK.
Lack of time together. Lack of attention. Lack of communication. Lack of affection. Lack of intimacy. Lack of priority. Lack of effort.
This lack accumulates. Day after day. Week after week. Year after year. Until one morning, you wake up next to a stranger. This person you married has become a polite roommate. Your marriage has become a logistical partnership.
And you don't even know how you got there.
Proverbs 5:15 says: "Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well." Your spouse is your cistern. Your source. But you went to drink elsewhere. Not in infidelity necessarily. In work. Children. Hobbies. Screens. Everywhere except in your marriage.
And now, your cistern is empty. Dried up. Dead.
Song of Solomon 8:7 warns: "Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot sweep it away." But lack can. Lack extinguishes love more surely than any crisis.
Today, you'll understand which lack is killing your couple. And how to fill it before it's too late.
The 7 Lacks That Lead To Divorce
Lack 1: Lack Of Time
The problem:
You live together but you spend NO quality time together. You cross paths. You coordinate schedules. You manage family logistics. But you don't really SEE each other anymore.
The statistics are brutal: couples spend on average less than 4 minutes a day truly talking. 4 minutes. Out of a 1440-minute day.
You give 8-10 hours to your work. 2-3 hours to your children. 1-2 hours to screens. 30 minutes to sports. But 4 minutes to your spouse.
Why it's deadly:
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 says: "Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up."
"One can help the other up." But how do you lift someone you never see? How do you support someone you never truly talk to?
Lack of time creates emotional distance. You become strangers sharing an address. Your marriage becomes an empty shell. A facade for others. Nothing inside.
The solution:
15 minutes per day. Minimum. Non-negotiable. No phone. No television. No children. Just the two of you.
If you can't find 15 minutes for the person you married, your marriage is already dead. You're just waiting for the funeral.
Lack 2: Lack Of Attention
The problem:
You're together but you're not PRESENT. Physically there, mentally elsewhere. Body in the same room, mind a thousand miles away.
Your spouse talks to you. You go "uh-huh" while scrolling your phone. He tells you about his day. You think about tomorrow's meeting. She cries. You watch the game.
You stopped SEEING your spouse. Really listening. Giving them your full and complete attention.
Why it's deadly:
Proverbs 4:23 commands: "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it."
Your attention is the guardian of your heart. Where your attention goes, your heart goes. And if your attention is never on your spouse, your heart moves away too.
Your spouse feels invisible. Neglected. Unimportant. Like furniture in your life. There, but ignored.
And one day, someone else will give them the attention you refuse. A coworker. A friend. Someone who truly LISTENS. Who truly SEES.
Your lack of attention opens the door to betrayal.
The solution:
When your spouse talks to you, STOP everything. Put down the phone. Turn off the TV. Look them in the eyes. Truly LISTEN.
James 1:19 says: "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak." Be QUICK. Give your attention immediately. Generously. Totally.
Lack 3: Lack Of Communication
The problem:
You don't talk anymore. Not really. You exchange logistical information. "Did you pay the bill?" "Kids have school tomorrow." "What's for dinner?"
But you don't COMMUNICATE anymore. You don't share your thoughts, fears, dreams, hopes anymore. You don't confide anymore. You don't open up anymore.
Your marriage has become a weather report. Facts. Schedules. Tasks. Zero depth. Zero intimacy. Zero connection.
Why it's deadly:
Amos 3:3 asks: "Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?"
You can't walk together if you don't communicate. If you don't share your direction. Your decisions. Your desires.
Silence creates walls. Each day without true communication adds a brick. Until there's an insurmountable wall between you.
You stop talking because "it's useless". He never understands. She never changes. So you give up. You stay silent. You resign yourself.
And the wall grows.
The solution:
Daily conversation. Real. Deep. Not the weather. Not logistics. YOUR thoughts. YOUR feelings. YOUR needs.
Ephesians 4:25 says: "Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor." Speak TRUTH. What you really feel. What you really need.
Lack 4: Lack Of Affection
The problem:
You don't touch each other anymore. Not sexually (we'll get to that). PHYSICALLY. No hugs. No spontaneous kisses. No hand holding. No gentle caresses.
You live like roommates sharing a bed. Bodies separated even when they're close. Skin that never touches.
The last non-sexual hug? You don't even remember. The last passionate kiss that wasn't a prelude to sex? No idea.
Why it's deadly:
Song of Solomon 2:6 says: "His left arm is under my head, and his right arm embraces me."
God created physical touch as a fundamental need. Not just sex. TOUCH. Contact. Physical closeness.
When this need isn't met, your body closes off. Your heart closes off. You become cold statues cohabiting.
Lack of physical affection kills emotional intimacy. You can't have one without the other for long.
The solution:
Touch your spouse. Daily. Without sexual ulterior motive. A 20-second hug. A kiss that lasts. Holding hands while watching TV. Stroking their hair.
Touch says: "You're important. I love you. I miss you even when you're here."
Lack 5: Lack Of Sexual Intimacy
The problem:
You don't make love anymore. Or so rarely you count the times. Once a month. Once every two months. Some couples: once a year.
Sex has become a chore. An obligation. An "again?". Something you avoid. That you postpone. That you dread.
Why it's deadly:
1 Corinthians 7:3-5 commands: "The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband... Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer."
God COMMANDS sexual intimacy in marriage. It's not optional. It's not "if you feel like it". It's a mutual responsibility.
Lack of sexual intimacy creates deep frustration. Vulnerability to temptation. Massive emotional distance.
You become brothers and sisters sleeping together. Not lovers. Not spouses. Roommates who took an involuntary vow of celibacy.
The solution:
Prioritize sexual intimacy. Schedule it if necessary. Work on blockages. Consult if it's medical or psychological.
But stop depriving your spouse of what God commands you to give them.
Lack 6: Lack Of Priority
The problem:
Your spouse is no longer your priority. Your children come first. Your work comes first. Your hobbies come first. Your parents come first. Everyone comes before your spouse.
You have time for everything. Except for him. You have energy for everything. Except for her. You make efforts for everyone. Except for your marriage.
Why it's deadly:
Genesis 2:24 establishes the order: "That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh."
LEAVES father and mother. Is UNITED to his wife. The order of priorities is clear: God first, spouse second, children after, everything else follows.
But you've reversed the order. Your children are your number one priority. Your career number two. Your spouse? Somewhere down the list. When there's time left. When there's energy left.
Spoiler: there's never time left. Never energy left.
Your spouse feels like a burden. An obligation. A weight. Not a priority. Not a treasure. An inconvenience in your busy life.
The solution:
Matthew 6:21 says: "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."
Where you invest your time, energy, money, attention reveals your treasure. If it's not your spouse, reorganize your priorities. NOW.
Lack 7: Lack Of Effort
The problem:
You stopped trying. You no longer make efforts to seduce. To impress. To court. To romance.
You let yourself go physically. Emotionally. Relationally. You won your spouse, so you stopped playing the game.
No more date nights. No more surprises. No more little attentions. No more love gestures. You live in autopilot mode. Minimum effort. Maximum comfort.
Why it's deadly:
Revelation 2:4-5 warns the church of Ephesus: "Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken the love you had at first. Consider how far you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first."
You have FORSAKEN your first love. Do the things you did at FIRST.
What were your first actions when you were courting? You planned dates. You sent sweet messages. You paid attention to your appearance. You listened with interest. You made efforts.
Now? Nothing. Zero. Nada.
Love without effort dies. Like a plant without water. Slowly. Silently. Completely.
The solution:
Galatians 6:9 encourages: "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."
Don't GIVE UP. Continue doing good. Making efforts. Showing your love through actions, not just words.
The Ultimate Lack: Lack Of God
But here's the deadliest lack of all. The lack from which all others flow.
The LACK OF GOD in your marriage.
You built your marriage on yourselves. On your feelings. On your human love. Not on God. Not on His principles. Not on His presence.
And now that feelings are gone, that human love wavers, your marriage collapses. Because it has no solid foundation.
Matthew 7:24-27 compares two houses. One built on rock (Christ), the other on sand (everything else). When the storm comes, the one on sand collapses. The one on rock stands.
Your storm has arrived. The lacks created the crisis. And your marriage is collapsing because it was on sand.
The ultimate solution:
Psalm 127:1 declares: "Unless the LORD builds the house, the builders labor in vain."
Invite God into your marriage. Pray together. Read the Bible together. Go to church together. Build your union on Christ, not on your changing emotions.
John 15:5 says: "I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing."
Without Christ, you can do NOTHING. Including saving your marriage.
How To Fill The Lack Before Divorce
If you recognize yourself in these lacks, here's what you must do. Now. Not "someday". NOW.
Step 1: Acknowledge The Lack
Stop denying. Stop minimizing. Your marriage suffers from a deadly lack. Maybe several. Acknowledge it honestly.
James 5:16 says: "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed."
Confess to your spouse: "I've failed in my duties to you. I've lacked [time/attention/communication/affection]. I'm sorry. I want to change."
Step 2: Identify Your Specific Lack
What is THE main lack killing your couple? For some, it's time. For others, intimacy. For others still, priority.
Identify it. Name it. You can't fight an invisible enemy.
Step 3: Create A Concrete Plan
"I'll do better" isn't enough. You need specific actions. Measurable. Planned.
Examples:
Lack of time? 15 daily minutes together, non-negotiable.
Lack of attention? Phones off from 7pm to 9pm.
Lack of communication? One real conversation per week.
Lack of affection? 3 hugs per day minimum.
Lack of intimacy? Weekly date night that can lead to intimacy.
Lack of priority? Spouse before children in decisions.
Lack of effort? One surprise per week for your spouse.
Proverbs 21:5 says: "The plans of the diligent lead to profit."
Be DILIGENT. Plan. Execute. Don't leave it to chance.
Step 4: Commit Mutually
Both must commit. One alone can't save the marriage. Both must WANT to fill the lack.
Ecclesiastes 4:9 says: "Two are better than one."
Sit down together. Discuss the plan. Commit mutually. "We will fill this lack. Together."
Step 5: Give Yourselves 90 Days
90 days of constant effort. Without abandoning. Without excuse. 90 days to rebuild what years of lack destroyed.
If after 90 days of sincere effort you see NO change, maybe you need professional help. Marriage counselor. Pastor. Therapist.
But give yourselves this chance. 90 days. Really.
Step 6: Pray Daily
Together if possible. Alone if your spouse refuses.
Pray: "Lord, fill the lacks in our marriage. Heal our union. Renew our love. Give us the strength and wisdom to rebuild."
Philippians 4:13 promises: "I can do all this through him who gives me strength."
You can't alone. But with Christ, you can.
When It's Too Late: Divorce
Maybe you're reading this thinking: "It's too late. Divorce is in progress. Papers are signed."
Truth 1: God Hates Divorce
Malachi 2:16 says: "The man who hates and divorces his wife... does violence to the one he should protect, says the LORD Almighty."
God HATES divorce. Not because He wants to punish you. Because He knows the destruction divorce causes. To spouses. To children. To families. To future generations.
Truth 2: But God Permits Divorce In Certain Cases
Matthew 19:9 says: "I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery."
Infidelity. Abandonment (1 Corinthians 7:15). Abuse. In these cases, divorce is permitted. Not required. Permitted.
Truth 3: Even Then, Reconciliation Is Possible
1 Corinthians 7:11 says: "But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband."
Even separated, reconciliation remains the ideal. If both want it. If both make the necessary efforts. If God is at the center.
Truth 4: God Can Restore
Joel 2:25 promises: "I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten."
Even a marriage on the brink of divorce. Even years of lack. Even deep wounds. God can restore EVERYTHING.
But only if you allow Him. If you choose humility. Forgiveness. Effort. Change.
The Final Truth
Your marriage doesn't die in one day. It dies slowly. In accumulated lack. In attentions not given. In efforts not made. In inverted priorities.
Proverbs 5:18 says: "May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth."
MAY YOU REJOICE. It's a choice. An action. A constant effort.
Your spouse was your joy at the beginning. They can become so again. But you must fill the lacks. Actively. Intentionally. Daily.
Divorce is not inevitable. Lack is not permanent. Love can be revived. But only if you ACT.
Stop reading. Stop planning. Stop thinking.
Go see your spouse. Now. And say: "I've failed in my duties. I want to change. Will you try with me?"
Your marriage depends on your answer. Today.