"Forgive your abuser." "Don't press charges, that's not Christian." "God allows everything for a reason." "You must forgive and forget." "Pray for him and stay silent."
If you were told these things after rape or sexual abuse, you were lied to. This advice doesn't come from the Bible. It comes from a twisted misunderstanding of Scripture that protects predators and destroys victims.
Here's what the Bible actually says.
What God thinks of rape and abuse
Rape is an abominable crime in God's eyes. Not a sin "like others." Not "temptation that went wrong." A violent crime that destroys God's image in a person.
Deuteronomy 22:25-27describes rape and God's response: "But if a man finds a betrothed young woman in the countryside, and the man forces her and lies with her, then only the man who lay with her shall die... for he found her in the countryside, and the betrothed young woman cried out, but there was no one to save her."
Notice three crucial things:
The victim is not guilty.The man alone is punished. The woman is innocent. God never blames the rape victim. Never.
Rape deserves the death penalty.In Old Testament law, rape was punished as severely as murder. God considers this crime with the utmost gravity.
The victim's cry is heard."She cried out, but there was no one to save her." God recognizes the victim resisted, cried, sought help. Even if no one else heard, God heard.
Rape is not a "shared moral failure." It's not "sex that went wrong." It's an act of violence where one person destroys another's physical, emotional, and spiritual integrity.
You are not guilty
If you were raped or abused, listen carefully:It's not your fault.
No matter what you wore. No matter where you were. No matter if you'd been drinking. No matter if you knew your attacker. No matter if you were dating him. No matter if you "let it happen" out of fear or shock.
You didn't sin. Your attacker sinned against you. You're the victim of a crime, not guilty of a sin.
2 Samuel 13tells of Tamar's rape by her half-brother Amnon. After the rape, "she put ashes on her head, and tore her robe of many colors that was on her, and laid her hand on her head and went away crying bitterly."
Tamar was innocent. The text never blames her. All guilt falls on Amnon. And notice: David, her father, "was very angry" but didn't punish Amnon. This inaction by David was a grave moral failure with catastrophic consequences.
If your church, family, or friends blame you for your rape or abuse, they're wrong. Biblically, morally, completely wrong.
What you must do: seek justice
"But shouldn't I just forgive and move on?"
No. Not immediately. And maybe not the way you've been told.
Biblical forgiveness doesn't mean impunity for the criminal. God is a God of justice before He's a God of mercy toward the guilty.
Romans 13:3-4clearly states: "For rulers are not a terror to good works, but to evil... For he is God's minister to you for good. But if you do evil, be afraid; for he does not bear the sword in vain; for he is God's minister, an avenger to execute wrath on him who practices evil."
Civil authorities exist to punish criminals. Rape and abuse are crimes. Reporting your attacker to police is not "un-Christian." It's biblical. It's using the means God established to protect the innocent and punish the guilty.
You should:
Report to police.Filing a report isn't optional if you can safely do so. Your attacker probably has other victims. Your testimony can prevent more harm.
Seek medical care.Immediately after rape if possible. Evidence collection. STD testing. Emergency contraception if you wish. Your body suffered trauma and needs professional care.
Inform appropriate authorities.If this happened in a church, school, or organization, report to that institution's authorities AND to police. Don't let the institution "handle it internally." Predators count on institutional silence.
Seek professional counseling.With a therapist specializing in sexual trauma. Ideally a Christian therapist who'll understand your convictions. But even a competent secular therapist is better than no therapy.
The lie of "immediate forgiveness"
"But Jesus said to forgive seventy times seven!"
Yes. But understand what biblical forgiveness means and doesn't mean.
Forgiveness doesn't mean:
- Pretending it didn't happen
- Acting like it wasn't serious
- Letting your attacker escape consequences
- Trusting them again
- Having a relationship with them
- Not pressing charges
- "Forgetting" what happened
Forgiveness means:
- Releasing personal vengeance to God
- Choosing not to be consumed by hatred
- Praying for God to transform your wounded heart
- Refusing to let bitterness destroy you
And guess what? Forgiveness is aprocess, not an instant event. You're not required to forgive immediately. You're certainly not required to tell your attacker "I forgive you" until you've truly arrived there in your heart.
Joseph forgave his brothers who'd sold him into slavery. But that forgiveness came years later, after they showed true repentance, and Joseph never trusted them the same way.
David wrote entire Psalms crying to God for vengeance against his enemies. God didn't censor these prayers. He included them in His inspired Word.
You have the right to be angry. You have the right to cry. You have the right to cry out to God. You have the right to demand justice. These things aren't incompatible with eventual forgiveness.
The church has often failed victims
Let's be brutally honest: the church has a shameful history of protecting abusers and silencing victims.
"Touch not my anointed."Used to protect predator pastors.
"Submit to your husbands."Twisted to force women to stay with abusive husbands.
"Divorce is never God's will."Said to women whose husbands rape them.
"Forgiveness and reconciliation."Forced on victims while abusers remain in positions of power.
"This stays between us."The cloak of "pastoral counseling" used to hide crimes.
If your church did this, your church sinned gravely. Against you. Against God. Against justice.
A biblical church must:
- Believe victims by default until proven otherwise
- Immediately report sex crimes to police
- Remove abusers from leadership positions during investigation
- Support victims practically and emotionally
- Never force "reconciliation" or contact with abuser
- Publicly discipline abusers found guilty
If your church refuses to do this, find a better church. You deserve a community that protects sheep, not wolves.
God didn't "allow" your rape to teach you something
"God allows everything for a reason. Maybe He wanted to teach you something."
No. God hates rape. He hates abuse. He hates what happened to you.
We live in a fallen world where people have free will to choose evil. Your attacker chose evil. That choice wasn't God's will. It was rebellion against God's will.
God didn't orchestrate your trauma to "shape you." He doesn't "need" to rape you to teach humility, compassion, or anything else. Suggesting this makes God complicit in rape, which is blasphemy.
What God does:
He weeps with you. "Jesus wept" (John 11:35). He's moved by your pain.
He promises justice. "Vengeance is Mine, I will repay, says the Lord." (Romans 12:19)
He offers healing. "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." (Psalm 147:3)
He can redeem your trauma. "We know that all things work together for good to those who love God." (Romans 8:28) – Note: not that God caused the evil, but that He can redeem even the worst evil for good.
But He doesn't cause your trauma. He doesn't rape you "for a reason." That theology is twisted and destructive.
Healing is possible but not quick
There's no magic three-step formula for healing from rape or abuse. Healing is long, difficult, and non-linear.
Expect:
- Flashbacks and nightmares
- Difficulty trusting people
- Irrational shame (even if intellectually you know it wasn't your fault)
- Deep anger that surges at unexpected moments
- Difficulties in future intimacy
- Painful spiritual questions
All this is normal. You're not "weak in faith." You suffered deep trauma.
What helps:
Professional therapy.With someone specializing in trauma. Therapy isn't lack of faith. It's using means of common grace God provides.
Safe community.Friends and family who believe, support, and don't judge. A support group for survivors can be incredibly healing.
Time in the Word.Especially Psalms of lament. David, Jeremiah, Job – all cried their pain to God. You can too.
Honest prayer.Cry out to God. Tell Him you're angry. Ask Him why. Demand justice. God can handle your raw honesty.
Patience with yourself.Healing takes years, not months. Give yourself grace to heal at your own pace.
Healthy boundaries.You're not required to see your attacker. You're not required to be "nice" to people who hurt you. "No" is a complete sentence.
For abusers: real repentance is possible
If you committed rape or abuse, here's the truth: you committed grave sin. But even this sin can be forgiven by God.
True repentance means:
Full confession without excuses."I raped/abused [name]. It was entirely my fault. There's no excuse."
Accepting all legal consequences.Turning yourself in to police. Pleading guilty. Accepting prison. Legal consequences aren't final punishment, but they're just and necessary.
Never contacting your victim.Unless they initiate and only in professionally supervised context. Your "need to ask forgiveness" isn't more important than their safety and healing.
Seeking intensive counseling.With a professional specializing in sex offenders. Understand why you did this and how never to do it again.
Accepting you'll never be in leadership.No ministry with children. No counseling. No pastorate. Your right to these roles is revoked by your actions.
Living a life of continuous repentance.Not a one-time event, a lifestyle of accountability, transparency, and change.
Salvation is available even for you. But grace isn't cheap. It cost Christ's life and will cost your comfortable life too.
For the church: do better
If you're a church leader, church member, or someone a victim confides in, here are your biblical responsibilities:
Believe the victim.False accusations are statistically rare. When someone reveals rape or abuse, the default response must be belief and support.
Report to police immediately.This isn't optional. Crimes must be reported to civil authorities. "Handling internally" protects predators.
Protect the victim, not reputation.Of the abuser. Of the church. Of the institution. The victim's safety and healing are more important than your public image.
Never force confrontation or "reconciliation."The victim must never be forced to see, talk to, or forgive the abuser. Never.
Provide practical support.Financial help for therapy. Transportation. Childcare. Meals. Presence. Victims need concrete support, not just prayers.
Publicly discipline convicted abusers.If someone in your church is found guilty of rape or abuse, that person must be publicly removed from fellowship. Protect other potential victims.
The church should be the safest place for victims. Too often, it's the most dangerous place. This must change.
The final message to victims
If you're a rape or abuse victim reading this, here's what you need to know:
It wasn't your fault.Never. No matter what you've been told.
You have the right to be angry.Your anger is righteous. God is angry too.
Seeking justice isn't un-Christian.Pressing charges honors God who values justice.
Forgiveness isn't immediate or mandatory.It's a long process you go through at your own pace.
You're not required to have a relationship with your abuser.Never. Even if they apologize.
Healing is possible.It will take time. It will be painful. But it's possible.
God hasn't abandoned you.He hasn't punished you. He hasn't forgotten you. "The LORD is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves such as have a contrite spirit." (Psalm 34:18)
You are a person created in God's image. That image was violated but not destroyed. God sees you. God loves you. God will heal you.
And your abuser will answer for their actions. If not before earthly courts, certainly before God's tribunal. Justice will come.
Meanwhile, live. Heal. Testify. Your survival is a testimony to God's grace. Your healing will be a declaration that darkness doesn't have the last word.
"And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it." (John 1:5)
Foundational Bible verses
Deuteronomy 22:26- "But you shall do nothing to the young woman; there is in the young woman no sin deserving of death."
Psalm 34:18- "The LORD is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves such as have a contrite spirit."
Psalm 147:3- "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."
Romans 12:19- "Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, 'Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,' says the Lord."
Romans 13:4- "For he is God's minister to you for good. But if you do evil, be afraid; for he does not bear the sword in vain; for he is God's minister, an avenger to execute wrath on him who practices evil.